Dear Allison,
What a whirlwind of 48 hours it has been. Two days ago life was "normal" as we tried to fill our time waiting for you. Now we know you and everything has changed. You are the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think about in the morning. And thoughts of you this morning have brought me outside before the sunrise to write, pray, and cry.
You are beautiful. You are happy. And although it is going to be harder than I can imagine, I am so excited that because the law has changed, it won't be long until I get to see you and kiss you and hold you.
But I have to tell you that while I am so excited and love you, I am grieving. When we did our paperwork I thought a baby under 12 months was what I wanted. But now that I have you, and know that we are just hoping that you are home before your first birthday, I am grieving. I can't help but think of how much I have missed in your little life. There will be an entire box of clothes that you will never wear and some baby gear that you won't need. And I missed it.
Who held you when you cried at night? Who has clapped with you and taught you little songs? Who has helped you sit up and roll over and play? Who has taught you how to give kisses? Will someone else watch you take your first steps before I can bring you home? I'm your mommy, and that's my job, and I'm missing it.
I'm having a hard time because I should be jumping with joy with our referral and knowing you, and I have been jumping with joy and showing your picture to everyone who will look at it. But at times like now, in the quiet stillness before the world (meaning your daddy and your sisters) wakes up, the sadness is overwhelming me. I know I have your whole life in front of us to do things together, but I need to grieve what we won't have first. We will have missed your first Christmas, your first Easter, your first smile, and so many other firsts, but you better believe that we will be celebrating like crazy all your firsts at home. I miss you Allison, more than words can say.
Love,
Mommy
I can tell you that before we brought the boys home, I had the same grieving for all that I missed, but once we were home I no longer grieved about what I missed. Something about having them in your arms. Plus there are still so many firsts to come.
ReplyDeletePraying she's home by her first birthday!
Sara! and Tony! oh my! I wasn't expecting to read this this morning. Yay! I am sooooo glad for you guys and for Baby Allison. I hope so much that you get her very, very soon!
ReplyDeleteSara,
ReplyDeleteOn the eve of Mother's Day, your heart is being pulled in a direction so far away. Your love and bond with Allison was strong even before getting "the call".
Grief not, my sweet girl, as you will be her first forever Mommy, her first teacher, her first friend, her first confidant and the first (along with of all of us) to be her forever family. Yes, you have had to share those other firsts with an angel who has been watching over Allison for you, but that is just because of the loving person you are.
You and Tony have been chosen by God to be Allison's parents. He knew all along that she would be the most loved, the most blessed child to ever come out of Ethiopia, because she will be forever yours.
Love and Blessings,
Star
You will mark every important first with your baby girl, even if she didn't make it to her forever home for her first Christmas and Valentine's Day and Easter! All of your firsts with her will be her firsts with you and those are the only firsts that will matter. God placed her in your life, and in your family for "such a times as this". And even though it is hard for us to wonder why God didn't giver her to you sooner, or why you can't travel sooner or why she can't be in your arms already sooner, we have to trust that His best is THE best. Think of it this way, your Ethiopian Princess will someday say to you (as mine said to me), "Gosh mom- it must have been so sad for you while I was in Ethiopia. What did you do without me?"
ReplyDeletePraying for a quick last few months before Baby Allison is in your arms!
Team Sanborn