I know there will be a day when I look back and won't be able to remember our lives without Allison, but right now I am plodding through the journey one minute at a time. I HATE to fly. Interesting as I am the daughter and sister of pilots. But please don't quote me the statistics about how I'm more likely to be struck by lightening, or killed in a car accident. It will just make me more afraid of lightening and cars. But by the time this is all over I will have spent more than 100 hours in the air. My heart races and my stomach turns just at the thought.
I am anxious about leaving Megan and Emily. Thought I am so happy that I'm not going to miss their first day of school, mentally I'm afraid that I still am. Sending Emily to kindergarten in the midst of leaving for Ethiopia, has me pulled in so many different ways emotionally, that I feel lost in some twilight place (
I'm even anxious about Allison. What if we don't connect right away (which is very possible)? But, what if we do, and then I have to leave her? How will I get though the weeks between the trips? How do you clean and grocery shop and just sit in a quiet house while two of your children are at school and the other one is on the other side of the world, in an orphanage, without me.
But I have a choice, I can let the fear disable me, or I can use it to draw me near to God. On the cork board of my computer desk I have 1 John 4:7-21 posted, not more than two feet from my head right now. And this is part of what it says..."There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." (1 John 4:18)
And this verse is on our family blog from the BibleGateway widget, "“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)
And of course, I need to remember this verse that I have to hold onto way too often, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Philippians 4:8)
He is guiding me, teaching me, and taking me places that I never dreamed (literally--I used to not know where Ethiopia was). But, can you pray that I will run the race He has set before me, and finish strong (Hebrews 12:1)? It's going to be a very emotional coming weeks. (Good thing I'm not very emotional. Just ask Tony and my good friends. Or, on second thought, don't ask them. Just pray for me.) :)
So, that's where I'm at today. A little introspective, maybe a little depressing, hopefully a little encouraging, but 100% real. Thanks for reading today.
Yes adoption can bring on a lot of anxiety, but you will get through it!
ReplyDeleteI don't like to fly, it makes me anxious, but honestly I actually worried less about our long flights then I ever had before. Something about going to Ethiopia made me feel fine.
I didn't instantly connect with the boys. It made the trip so hard and I really struggled, but I got through it and hope I am a stronger, better mother because of the struggle.
I get and relate to your emotions so much. Even though it's my husband traveling to Ethiopia soon without me I have so much fear. I try so hard to not live my life in fear, but it's difficult sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for peace for you. Sounds like you really need to sit back and stop worrying about the future. (Easier said than done, but really this is important.) Allow each day to hold the aniety that it represents, ie. flying day is fearful because you don't like to fly, first day of kinder is important and you want to remember it and make it special for your daughter, etc. By giving each thing space and time of it's own you won't feel so much pressure from all sides.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying that the Lord will give you peace and allow you to look upon each miracle He is placing in your path. :)